Start of a transcript of Chicks Dig Jerks Interactive Fiction Copyright (c) 1999 Robb Sherwin Standard Level Mature Content as rated by ESRB (Strong language and adult situations) (First time players of this game should type "ABOUT") Release 1 / Serial number 990930 / Inform v6.13 Library 6/9 Standard interpreter 1.0 (6F) / Library serial number 990428 >about CHICKS DIG JERKS is interactive fiction of standard difficulty level, originally intended as an entry for the 1999 Interactive Fiction Competition. This game does not adhere to the Infocom standard of non-player character communication. Rather than "ASK character ABOUT item" or "TELL character ABOUT item," the player can talk to the other people in the game by typing "TALK TO character" (or simply T character, for short). The resulting menu allows the player to pick from a menu of what you'd like your character to say. The game will with respond with the NPC's response. It is not possible to get the game in an unwinnable state for any dramatic length of time. Score is implemented in order to provide an indication that the story's plot has progressed. Please type "HINT" for further gameplay questions, hints and this ware's design notes. >v That's not a verb I recognise. >t keegan Please select one: (1) >"Hey, where did Pang go, anyway?" (2) >"What are your goals tonight, Keegan?" (3) >"You still taking it in the face?" (4) >"Anything interesting happen at work today?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 4 "Not a whole lot, really. Donovan and Criswell broke into a tomb and carried away a couple minks last night. I got ahold of some whacked-out maniac at the University who needs a job done. I think Pang just played Super Puzzle Hiro Rancher all night." >w You can't go that way. Exits lead south, east or southwest. >e You go towards the bathroom and see about twenty guys standing in line waiting. You decide you can hold off a little longer and return. >sw You're about to leave when an absolutely gorgeous brunette walks by. You turn to talk to her but she's already disappeared into the club. "She'll be back, dude," says Keegan. "That's the thing, anyway. I want to get at least two numbers tonight. I will not settle for mediocracy like half the guys in this town, half the people I grew up with, and of course, your favorite football team." >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >sw You take a quick trip to tables but are unable to really find anyone worth talking to upon closer inspection. You return to the bar. >s Dance Floor Ah, the famed dance floor of Mick's Unwashed Outback Tavern! It is here where negotiations for the interest of several types of girls begin. The floor itself is actually set a few feet lower than the bar and the various tables and booths. It's not exactly a mosh pit; its intended effect instead is to display those with the fortitude and personal esteem to rock out to the rest of the frightened losers or sloshed denizens. If you're lucky (as you have been in the past) you put on a good enough show to get a kiss after a couple songs end. If you're like Keegan you thrash about as if in an intense epileptic seizure and usually come quite to blows with some random chud with a baseball cap just centimetres above his eyes. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a blonde here. >talk to blonde Please select one: (1) >"Excuse me... do you like men?" (2) >"What's up, doll?" (3) >"Hi. I'm Avandre Varick. My employer donates three dollars to botcholism research for every girl I talk to. Would you put your name and number on this certification list?" (4) >"Hey there. You look great tonight. I had to talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 4 The girl breaks into a very small smile. She looks nervously about the room at your cheeziness. "Thanks." >talk to blonde You really have nothing to say right now. >n Dance Floor >s Some random table Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a redhead here. >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"Hey is that a keg in your pants? 'Cos I'd love to tap that ass!" (2) >"I'm Avandre; this is my friend Keegan. He just escaped from a mental hospital." (3) >"Can I tell you about what it's like to be a grave robber?" (4) >"Will you clear some area for me to throw down my flattened cardboard box? I'm gonna start break dancing." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 The chick laughs at that. "Really?" Looks like it's time for you to pump it up and take it to that higher level. "Yeah, he's fucking crazy. He used to live up north with the northerners. Then one day the tribe he was staying with killed a giant whale. Keegan just starts eating the blubber and nothing else. Pretty soon, you see, the whale is gone and he starts in on the Inuit like crazy. Yeah, they had him shipped to the Fort where he fits in with the normal array of crazies, whackjobs and general spazzes." "That's pretty big of you to take him out." "Yeah, the government cuts me a check each month to be his friend." She smiles at that, happy to engage in mindless, senseless banter. >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"Hey is that a keg in your pants? 'Cos I'd love to tap that ass!" (2) >"Will you clear some area for me to throw down my flattened cardboard box? I'm gonna start break dancing." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "You're going to breakdance? Here!?! Omigod! No, don't get your cardboard do it on the floor, okay? Pleeeeeease?" What the hell. You freeze-frame over to the disco floor and get down on the ground in order to do the dolphin. You kick it old school for a couple seconds until some clown cabbage- patches over you and falls. You quickly get the hell out of there and back to the chick. You find her laughing so hard that she is on the verge of tears." "Yeah, you know he's legit 'cos he's from the street," adds Keegan. "Omigod," she says. "That was so cool! Look, I've got to go hit another club, but you simply HAVE to call me sometime. Okay? My name is LaToya." She jots down her number and gives it to you. >n Dance Floor >s Some random table Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a blonde here. >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"Are you upset that Jimmy quit and Jody got married?" (2) >"Do you dig guys with dreadlocks?" (3) >"There's a seer by the bar saying that you'll give handjobs to the really cute guys. Is that true?" (4) >"You're not zorked, are you?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 She quietly considers this. "I've heard that guys with dreads can be habit- forming." "Damn straight," you reply. "I've created enough bad habits to poorly clothe every single nun on the continent." The chick smiles wickedly at that. So far, so good. >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"Are you upset that Jimmy quit and Jody got married?" (2) >"You're not zorked, are you?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 She laughs at that. She replies with "Baby, you're all that I want. When you're, like, lying here in my arms. So just hold me now, 'cos our love will light the way." At that you can only reply, "Hell yeah. You know that everything I do, I do it for you, right?" Keegan interjects. "Sorry, sweetheart -- I'm sure you're a nice girl. But I just have to say," he turns toward you, "this is the dumbest fucking conversation I've ever heard come out of your mouth." "Come on, man!" you reply. "She's all that I want! All that I need! It still feels like the first night together, dammit!" You wink towards the girl to solidify your stake as the cheeziest dork in a tri-county area. She loves it. >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"You're not zorked, are you?" (2) >"Do you play an instrument?" (3) >"So what other bands do you like?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 "All the local ones," she says. "You know, like Tellarium, Whorific Chamber, ScatBag and Beaver." "Somebody named their band 'Beaver'?" "Yes! Don't laugh. Their saxophonist actually looks a bit like your friend here." >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"You're not zorked, are you?" (2) Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Oh I'm zorked allright," she says. "I am completely and totally drunk." You ask her if she's at zork one. She shakes her head. You ask her if she's at zork two. She shakes her head again to indicate the negative. You're about to ask her if she's at zork three when she puts two fingers up to your mouth. "Honey, I am *beyond* zorked." >talk to girl Please select one: (1) Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Maybe. But you're actually really cool. You should hear the stories about me, you'd be impressed. They are almost legendary, the ones involving boys in clubs, anyway." >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"So, it's just a myth right?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "I know I shouldn't be doing this. But you only live once, and I like guys with dreadlocks. Do you want to go around back of this place for a quick second or two?" She looks at you expectantly. >yes Damn straight. >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"Yes." (2) >"I was only kidding." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "You bet," you say. She takes you out one of the doors marked "EMPLOYEES ONLY" and curls up next to you. She undoes the button on your cargo pants and puts her hands underneath your boxers. "All you had to do was ask," she purrs. She proceeds to work you within her fingers like a professional. It feels incredible, and no matter what she says, she's obviously experienced at this. You tell her that you feel like you're going to explode. She gets down on her knees and sucks you off for about two seconds before you climax. She holds you in her mouth for a second until you come back down to earth. She spits and gets back up on her legs. "Did you enjoy that?" she asks. You nod your head. You both come back into the bar. She gives you her number. "Call me?" she asks. >n Dance Floor You're starting to feel the pangs of a full bladder. >s Some random table Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a blonde here. >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"You done talking to all those ambiguously gay queefs? 'Cos I don't want to interrupt you if you're in a chud groove." (3) >"Hey, do you hold the career rushing record? Because you sure look like Sweetness." (4) >"Where are all the real sour bitches tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 4 "You're talking to one, boy." You're briefly taken back by that. "Boy?" you state. "I'm not a boy -- I've got dreadlocks!" >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"You done talking to all those ambiguously gay queefs? 'Cos I don't want to interrupt you if you're in a chud groove." (3) >"Hey, do you hold the career rushing record? Because you sure look like Sweetness." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 The girl momentarily pauses before speaking. She wasn't ready for a comment like that. "Well, you know how it goes," she says. "A flaming reject here, a co-dependent psycho there... pretty soon you start to think there isn't anybody worth talking to. But then, sometimes someone cute like you comes around." >talk to girl Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"Hey, do you hold the career rushing record? Because you sure look like Sweetness." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 The chick rolls her eyes. "Talk to the hand." Keegan instantly lights up. "Is that because the face don't understand? Is that why? You've got the nerve to not only use a fucking tired and cheezed expression but to also give it with an extraordinary sense of disdain? Are you fucking KIDDING me? Fucking cuntrag." >talk to girl You really have nothing to say right now. >e Outside the Bathroom You are currently waiting outside the bathroom at Mick's. There only seems to be two or three chuds ahead of you at the present time. You've always wondered why they painted pictures of the Ameba on the inside of the stalls. There are definitely greater heroes to pick from when designing the indoor of a filthy bathroom. You would have thought that the Golden Avenger, for instance, would pull the effect off much better. Pang's not here, so he either finally got inside or is outside barfing on the patio. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. A short, aggressive shitwank is before you in line. >z Time passes. You notice that there are a couple guys ahead of you in line who seem to be regarding you with a fair amount of disdain. >z Time passes. The short guy comes up to you. He says, "You fucking looking at something, dick?" >z Time passes. >push guy Pushing Shayne_1 has no effect. >hit guy You come up on the guy with a flying elbow to his back. Instantly, the bar erupts into a mad fury of mostly drunken teenage violence. The dude you hammered recovers and attempts to viciously rip you apart. He screams obscenities so foul the bouncers start to blush crimson. [Please press SPACE to continue] You take off completely by yourself, leaving Keegan and Pang to make their own way home. You're consumed by the random spurts of aggressive violence in your life. You crash as soon as you enter your apartment and are overcome by a dream that refuses to let you go. You remember playing keyboard in your band, Nightlife. You had plenty of gigs long before you moved to the Fort and for this particular one you remember borrowing a strobe light and laser system. You finish your set and go get a towel -- there was a brunette you remember seeing at the club that you wanted to try to meet. After drying off, you went to go see the club owner in order to get paid. As you approached, you noticed that the very girl you had singled out was sitting across the bar staring you down. She looked ravishing, dangerous. She wore thick black mascara that, while making her come off as an incredibly cheap whore, did strangely look sexy against her dark skin. You tried to guess her ethnicity. Definitely south of here. Maybe off one of the islands? As you considered it, she finished her drink and licked her lips. It appeared as if the strobe light was somehow back on. She left her mouth wide open and beckoned you to join her. "Shit, sometimes it's just too easy." You almost feel sorry for her, as she is completely helpless against a sexy musician in your (at the time) short dreads. Then again, looking so fine it's often a struggle with yourself to just get out of the house without awarding yourself your very own virtual slurpee. She brought you to one of the back rooms by the hand. She opened the door and let you lead. There is almost no room to move about, as there are several amps, microphone stands and t-shirts scattered about in a random heap. Trying to keep cool you look about the room, as if she suddenly wasn't interesting or sexy anymore. While looking about you see the empty husks of the other three members of your band! They seem to have been nailed to the wall, where they hang like pinatas. Your friend Gabriel weakly moans to you, but it's completely incomprehensible. You remember the girl and turn to face her. As you do, she moves her hands up to your face (her nails are so long and so red!) and brings your face to hers (oh god, she smells so fucking good, like a fresh blast of wind and sex) and kisses you. The energy quickly begins to leave your body, escaping through your lips. You hear her ache in ecstacy; draining you is making her absolutely wild and reckless. After what seems like an hour you have no more warmth, no more heat and she throws you to the floor. She smiles sadistically before bringing out some thumb tacks and making you part of her collection. You wake up the next morning and manage to stumble out of your house and drive yourself to work. Break Room You're in the break room. Usually other grave robbers and thieves hang out here waiting for jobs to be phoned in. You've spent many a night here playing Pang in 'i45 Panzer Armada or Super Action Battle 64 on the game console. A few guys seem to be playing a linked version of a game you're somewhat unfamiliar with. You can see Criswell here, sacked out on the couch. You can see Pang here. >talk to criswell You really have nothing to say right now. Pang shoots Criswell in the face with a grenade launcher. He yells, "Eat it, bitch!" >talk to pang Please select one: (1) >"What the hell took so long in there?" (2) >"Christ, man, did you fall in?" (3) >"Let's beat the crap out of these sleds, huh?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "I hate having to go in there... everybody's always hogging the stalls." Criswell retaliates with a rapid layer of hot slag that slices through the air, killing Pang's character. "This ain't Championship Manager, McDickle. Ya gots t'pay *attention* out there!" >talk to pang Please select one: (1) >"Let's beat the crap out of these sleds, huh?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Let's do it, dude!" The three of you proceed to beat the living crap out of those two guys. They were certainly not prepared for you to have a guy like Pang hanging around you. After all the violence comes to an end you gather together with Pang and Keegan. Pang asks you if you're ready to take off, and it looks like there is very little else to do tonight. You respond affirmatively. As you're about to leave, Sharice comes up to you and puts her hand on your shoulder. "Avandre," she says, "I was just wondering. Um, would you like to come home with me?" She gives you a little smile and makes eye contact awaiting your response. >(Yes/No) y "I'd love to," you say. You give a quick heads-up to Keegan and Pang with Sharice on your arm. "Hey, remember that time you two did the 3D-modeling for that hot action game Virtua Queef?" Keegan sees that you've got a girl with you. "Get lost, assjack." [Please press SPACE to continue] You find yourself back in Sharice's bedroom. It's a fluffy, overblown megadeal complete with the giant, roofed bed. You've been in situations like this before, it's nothing you can't handle. She leaves to freshen up for a second and you use the time to check out the scene for weird odds and ends to comment on. It's always been your experience that girls love talking about their room. Sharice arrives from the bathroom. She lights three or four candles about the room and then turns off all the lights. She spends a moment looking you over as you lay on her bed. She grins and then comes over toward you, just out of reach. She plays a compact disc and hits fast-forward until it reaches the sixth song. The song starts off with a slow, steady electric guitar that snaps on beats two and four. You hear whispers from the vocalist and she turns the volume up. She continues to keep beat to the music, dancing for you. She loses her self for a second and then comes back to earth and sees that you are transfixed. She slowly starts to undress. Looks like you really lucked out this time, as you become more and more arsoused looking at her tight, sexy body. She starts to mouth the music and turns away from you, still writhing. The first words she says since you came back to her place are in concert with the song. Her eyes get larger. "His arms are around me, and he's tearing my eyes...." she is now wearing almost nothing and comes to you on the bed. Stalking you, on all fours, as if you are prey. You sit with your arms behind your head, obviously amused and enjoying the show she's giving you. She seems to have completely accepted the fact that you are going to remain there, motionless, for a bit. She closes her eyes as she begins to slip out of her bra. You feel the music coming to a close and decide to strike on the final chord of the song. She clearly wasn't expecting you to be so fast. You bring her head up and look into her hazel eyes. You bring her mouth to yours and without breaking eye contact slowly trace just the tip of your tongue under her upper lip. You gently stroke a line down cheek with your fingers and turn your attention to her neck. Slowly, slowly, so slowly, you start to proceed down. Her shoulders smell so fucking incredible and are so smooth. You hold her around her waist with your left hand and unfasten her bra with your right. You look into her eyes again as you trace your thumbs under her nipples. She closes her eyes and so quietly moans; for just a little bit. Without warning, she jerks her eyes wide open and pushes you down on the bed. She kisses you, ravages your tongue with hers. She starts to lick your face like a little kitten and rips off your jersey. She throws it clear across the room, knocking over and blowing out a candle. You take a hold of her, just below her waist and simply command her to move closer to you. You then peel off the rest of her clothing. She giggles and then undoes the snap on your cargo pants. She throws them on the floor and parts your boxers. She starts to take you into her mouth and it feels... it feels right. God, ecstasy. You forget everything else and just enjoy this sexy, gorgeous woman teasing you, giving you just the beginnings of some head. Before the rocket can blast off into space, you bring her face back up towards yours and kiss her. You caress her everywhere, alternating between quick and drawn-out touches. She holds her hair up above her head, almost posing for you. You decide to make her feel like a goddess. You rise, mouth her everywhere on her chest and then lay her softly upon the sheets of the bed. You go down, explore her all over and listen to her reactions; try to understand what she enjoys, what's making her call out her God's name, what makes her spastic. The two of you have animal sex for the better part of the night. Afterwards, she falls asleep and you tuck her in. You find a pen and some paper and leave her a little note and your number. You kiss her on the forehead and she (reflexively?) smiles contently. You blow out the remaining candles, dress, and make your way home. You drop, exhausted, and are haunted by a dream you've had randomly but continually for years. You recall one of those lazy summer days when there were no responsibilities and you were totally free. Kiera was sitting upon the hill by the reservoir waiting for your visit. She'd always appeared to you as a lifeless doll waiting for your imagination and humour to fully animate her as you approached. You don't recall ever stopping to cherish the scene, though you made countless dates there and it was always beautiful. You took for granted the warmth of the sun on your skin and the minty scent of the freshly-cropped grass. In this dream you always ascend the hill and sit right next to her and -- instead of being greeted with genuine good cheer -- you feel as if her smile conceals a knife about to be treacherously twisted into your spine. In reality, of course, you never had a fight, conniption, spastic attack or argument on the hill. "You have to stop coming around." She said that once in all the time you were together. The end, natch. Invariably, it's all you can ever recall her saying since the day she left. You ask her about the Other Guy. Not as smugly as you would today. No hint of sarcasm. She frowns, as angry as you've ever remembered. She briefly looks away, as if your eye contact still had any sort of power over her and returns to stare right through you. "He's a friend," she states bluntly. Coldly. And you always wanted to, at that point, deliver all the rage you had inside which burns to this day, to throw wave after wave of hatred and anger upon her, to unleash your horror like a meteor storm. To rock the bitch's world and leave her reeling and bleeding. But, as always, you're completely frozen and unable to do so in the dream. You're instead consumed by thoughts of how it happened, how she got to this point. Regretting all the time spent with your worthless friends (now thousands of miles away), all the nights chilling with the other punk-ass goth rejects at the cemetery, all the time you didn't spend, basically, being an exciting, unavailable, uncontrollable asshole. So you'll wake up in the morning wishing, just once, to throw her down the hill or into the reservoir and tell her, finally, to fuck off. The sheer mediocrity of your life enrages you to the point of resolving to finally make a difference and something out of your life. But it always fades, quickly, as you wrestle with determining where you are and whom you woke up with. [Please press SPACE to continue] You wake up the next morning and manage to stumble out of your house and drive yourself to work. Break Room You're in the break room. Usually other grave robbers and thieves hang out here waiting for jobs to be phoned in. You've spent many a night here playing Pang in 'i45 Panzer Armada or Super Action Battle 64 on the game console. A few guys seem to be playing a linked version of a game you're somewhat unfamiliar with. You can see Pang here. You can see Criswell here, sacked out on the couch. Criswell gets up for a moment and goes to the refrigerator. He picks up a jug and sniffs it. "Hey, is this orange juice?" Everyone replies, "Yeah." Criswell wrinkles his nose and is visably irritated. "Look, is it orange juice or just a really big screwdriver?" Everyone replies, "Screwdriver." >talk to pang You really have nothing to say right now. The video game crashes. Pang slams his fist down on the console. "Dammit! This fucking thing has more bugs than a tropical swamp!" Keegan enters and gives you a nod. "Just a sec and I'll be ready to go," he says. >talk to criswell You really have nothing to say right now. Criswell appears visably annoyed. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, you fat piece of trash? Keep hitting the system like I hit your mom last night and I'll bust a cap through your ass." >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"You ready to go?" (2) >"What's the plan for tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "Yeah, I just got voice-mail on what's going down tonight. A dead geezer by the name of Stella DeBartelo was buried the other night at the St. Peter Memorial. Apparently she was buried in a fur coat along with some other valuables like gems and such. Details on exactly what she had on her was kinda sketchy. Anyway, The Pete is pretty easy to get into so the worst part should be the drive itself." Pang loads the disc up again. "Remind me to shiver," he says to Criswell. >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"You ready to go?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Yeah, let's get the hell out of here. It's about a two-hour drive. I'll drive." You follow Keegan out and get into his chevette. Inside the Chevette You are inside Keegan's '86 Chevette. You've ribbed him about the car many, many times and it never gets old. In fact, you pride yourself in thinking of new ways to express, in quite biting sarcasm, "Keegan, your car sucks." There is approximately eight pounds of loose garbage strewn about the interior, the lord of which seems to be Keegan's tobacco spitter neatly residing in the cup holder. The windows are blackened from a failed tint job which is now quite severely peeling. The backseat is dominated by months-old newspapers, half-chewed altoids, the occasional used condom and a mysterious clear vial containing an unknown fluid. The car's floor is mostly rusted out providing for a "Flintstones" effect that never, ever, stops being funny. Your shovel is buried underneath a ton of crap in Keegan's backseat. >get shovel Ah! It feels good to once again have your shovel in your possession. >z Time passes. >get seat Keegan interjects. "Hey assjack, you mind not ripping the living shit out of my car while I'm here to watch you? Fucking vandal." >z Time passes. You hear an annoying slurping noise as Keegan sucks away the last of his cola. >z Time passes. Keegan finishes off his can of pop and chucks it out the window. "Hey!" you exclaim. "That can be fucking recycled!" Keegan shrugs. "It still can be." >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"So what the hell is new, anyway?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 Keegan shrugs, then lights up. "Oh! You know who I ran into the other day? Krista." He sees the puzzled look on your face. "C'mon, you remember Krista. She was a friend of Jalene." Jalene. The first girl you ever fell in love with. The sexiest redhead you've ever seen on the face of the planet. Who now lives two continents away. She moved a couple years ago and the two of you have lost touch. "I don't remember her hanging out with any Krista," you say. "Yeah, yeah you do. She was from the east coast. Had that accent -- always turned her R's into 'AHs'. She'd always say, 'I want some smah-ties! I am looking to date a guy named MAH-tin!!' Well, anyway, I ran into her the other day. "Where?" "I'd rather not get into that." "Don't give me that shit. Where the hell where you that you ran into Jalene's alledgedly existing posse? I don't yet believe they exist, so you'd better provide some scenery." "I was at the florist." "Nothing wrong with going to the florist," you say. You give it about a four- second pause before interjecting. "The FLORIST? What the hell is wrong with you? No -- scratch that. Please, tell me what's *right* with you. You haven't had a date in a lightyear and I know that's a measure of time, not distance. So it wasn't for some chick. You didn't end up going to some teenagers's prom, did you? Please. Elucidate your thoughts." "I was taking Blur there. He had a project for school. Or something. He had to grow a rubber plant." "Nice use of the 'little brother excuse,'" you say. "Thanks. Anyway, Speaking of rubber plants, I got an update on Jalene from her. She actually had an abortion two weeks ago." Stunned silence. "It wasn't one of MINE, is it?" "No, dude, no... some guy she met after she moved. The trojan broke or something. Besides, I'm pretty sure that only elephants have like a thirty-month gestation period." "Yeah. That's a pretty good point. But hell, for all I know she kept some of the swimmies in a magic jar somewhere." "Um," says Keegan. "I find the direction you are steering this conversation demented and frightening. Let's just listen to the radio." >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. Keegan takes the car off the highway. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. Keegan takes a right onto a gravely road. "Okay," he says. "Almost there." >z Time passes. Keegan stops the car and turns off the engine. He turns to you. "Time to take care of biz-ness." >out Outside the Graveyard Keegan parked the car just where the gravel road ends and dirt road starts. The beginnings of a copse that eventually leads to the graveyard is north while overgrowth and tumbleweed surround you on all other sides. You can see Keegan. >save Ok. >n Dark Copse You are just within a dark copse. Keegan's car leads to the south. To the north is an iron gate. You can see Keegan. >s Outside the Graveyard You can see Keegan. >n Dark Copse You can see Keegan. >s Outside the Graveyard You can see Keegan. >n Dark Copse You can see Keegan. >e You can't go that way. Exits lead north or south. >n Before the Iron Gate A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south. You can see Keegan. >s Dark Copse You can see Keegan. >n Before the Iron Gate You can see Keegan. >e East of the Graveyard Thick, fanged fencing surrounds the cemetery to the north. You can see Keegan. You can see a motionless cemetery guard here, slumped against the fence. >x guard Upon touching the guard for examination, he falls apart in several different sliced pieces! Scraps of his head seperate, squirting blood everywhere. His midsection undoes like finely sliced salami. You are able to determine that he was in his late forties, about six-foot tall and approximately two-hundred thirty pounds. You see that he was carrying a stray piece of lumber with him and a gun. Upon examination, the gun seems to have no more shots left in it. >get gun and lumber glock: Taken. piece of lumber: Keegan pipes up with a comment. "Hey, see if you can find anything worthwhile in my car, willya? I may have a plan for getting over that fence." >w Before the Iron Gate >s Dark Copse >s Outside the Graveyard >in Inside the Chevette You notice that Keegan's backseat can probably be removed. >get seat and spring the backseat of Keegan's car: You rip out the backseat of his car and carry it with you. Doing so reveals a single functional spring. spring: Taken. >e You can't go that way. Exits lead out. >out Outside the Graveyard >n Dark Copse >n Before the Iron Gate You can see Keegan. >drop spring and lumbar You can't use multiple objects with that verb. >drop spring Dropped. >put lumber on spring You put the piece of lumber on the spring. >jump on lumber You take a running start and proceed to vault off the board, hoping to make it over the fence. You manage to get pretty solid height when you realize you're about to come down straight on the fence's fanged stiletos! Luckily, you avoid getting your chest impaled by using Keegan's backseat as a sort of shield. You stick it out in front of you and it catches the fangs. You fall over the fence onto the other side. Cemetery You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is has turned out to be a filthy, dank night. Rain has left the tombstones rather slick and the ground a muddy mess. >z Time passes. Keegan performs the same manuever you did, and jumps over the fence. "I guess there was a little bounce still left in that one spring, huh Van?" >e Outside the Shed Before you is a small potter's shed. It's made of a dank, grayish brick and stinks to high heaven. Mud and filth climb the walls and reach a single, centered window obscured by cobwebs. Keegan is here. >x shed This is a kind of run-down wooden shack, almost nauseating in its rotted stench. You suddenly hear a loud crash and a hollow, raspy scream! Something is emerging from the shed! >x thing It is a rancid spawn of hell, with rotting, scabby flesh that hangs off it in loose strands. It bleeds profusely with any sort of strenuous movement and cries continually due to its constant pain. It is strangely muscled and has sharp, blue bugeyes. The abomination wails a ghastly cry toward the moon. It spies you and begins to shamble toward you. >i You are carrying: a glock a silvery shovel There is a strong odor of smoke and then a white flash. Instantly, the abomination and shed are vaporized into a black mist. >x shed Only a fine, black mist remains of the shed. >get mist I don't know the word "mist". >n Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. Keegan is here. >e The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead south, west or southwest. The shitwank looks up from the grave he was digging up and draws his weapon. "Do not fucking move! Not so much as a single inch, or I will fucking kill you? Do you understand me? I will fucking disintegrate both of your sorry asses!" >x shitwank You can't see any such thing. >w Religious Clearing This is a section of the graveyard free from markers and crosses. Instead, a large circle has been formed through lifeless, water-starved brown grass. The shitwank attempts to fire his weapon at you. However, as it appears obvious that he is about to pull the trigger you are violently pushed onto the ground by Keegan. As the energy and flash consume him, you hear a shriek which is suddenly and cruelly cut off. You try to comprehend what just happened and face Keegan's killer. "You are going to fucking die! Do you understand me? I will fucking bury you, here and now!" >x shitwank You can't see any such thing. >e Cemetery >s Outside the Shed >e The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead north, west or northeast. >w Cemetery >w Religious Clearing >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >e Cemetery >e The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead south, west or southwest. >e The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead south, west or southwest. >sw Cemetery >e Outside the Shed >e The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead north, west or northeast. >ne Cemetery >ne The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead south, west or southwest. >quit Are you sure you want to quit? y