Start of a transcript of Chicks Dig Jerks Interactive Fiction Copyright (c) 1999 Robb Sherwin Standard Level Mature Content as rated by ESRB (Strong language and adult situations) (First time players of this game should type "ABOUT") Release 1 / Serial number 990930 / Inform v6.13 Library 6/9 Standard interpreter 1.0 (6F) / Library serial number 990428 >restart Are you sure you want to restart? y [Please press SPACE to continue] [ WARNING There are absolutely no role models in this game. No one should emulate any of the actions of any of the characters you are about to meet. This game contains adult language and situations and is not intended for children. ] It's Thursday night and you're at Mick's Unwashed Outback Tavern. All the girls you couldn't nail while wasting away at military school are out looking to meet interesting chaps like yourself and your compatriots. The 'Mick is kind of a meat-market (meaning that predators of both gender and varying sexual preference skulk about attempting to discern potential companionship for an evening... and the prey have no illusions about that). Your friends and co-workers Keegan and Pang have joined you. They're great guys to go bar-hopping with: Pang left to use the lavatory an eternity ago while Keegan just bolted to hit on a girl. They do, however, always have your back and allow you to be a complete assjack when you party together. You definitely lucked out in getting to know them as most of the people you meet at work are a bunch of stiffs. Tonight there really does seem to be an inordinate amount of sexy knock-outs to chat up. Pump it up, Avandre, and try not to bring your boys down! Chicks Dig Jerks Interactive Fiction Copyright (c) 1999 Robb Sherwin Standard Level Mature Content as rated by ESRB (Strong language and adult situations) (First time players of this game should type "ABOUT") Release 1 / Serial number 990930 / Inform v6.13 Library 6/9 Bar You are up against the bar of Mick's Unwashed Outback Tavern and have a pretty solid view of the kids whom have come out tonight to party. Preps, goths, betties, freaks, cheerleaders, milfs, sorority types -- you've never seen the place so packed with such wholesome goodness. Fortunately it appears as if your competition contains an inordinate amount of chuds and losers. Keegan returns, shaking his head. He briefly looks toward you. "God, she smelled like an absolute honeypot. And I don't mean that in a sexist way, I mean it literally. Like she had bathed in honeycomb or something." He takes a sip and continues. "I mean, I can deal with that, you know? I told her I was having difficulty mating my plastic honey bear because the only other syrup-based lifeform I knew was Aunt Jemima and it didn't want to go hogging. I was about to ask her if she wanted to help out when she copped this major 'tude. Apparently she was totally unaware what she smells like. Pfft. Clueless." You nod. "Dude, no worries there. I'm guessing it would have ended badly when she got attacked by a swarm of yellowjackets right before you were about to drop the hammer." Keegan grins at that, his morale restored. "Er, well, I also accidently sneezed all over her. That probably had something to do with her rapid case of frostbite." >i You are carrying nothing. >x keegan He is a shifty little heartbreaker, effortless in his style and grace. He is wearing a pair of oversized dungarees, a red baseball cap and a black polyester jersey. >kiss keegan "I'd sooner kiss a pig." >kiss pig I don't know the word "pig". >bother Use that kind of language on your own fucking time. >in You can't go that way. Exits lead south, east or southwest. >l Bar You are up against the bar. It's poorly lit, with the majority of light coming from an ultra-violet ray that illuminates all white it hits, making it appear to glow in the dark. There is a pack of people dancing wildly out on the floor and lots of girls sitting about at tables. >x girls You can't see any such thing. >dance You start to dance for a little bit and then realize you're kind of out of place. >x girl You can't see any such thing. >e You go towards the bathroom and see about twenty guys standing in line waiting. You decide you can hold off a little longer and return. >w You can't go that way. Exits lead south, east or southwest. >sw You're about to leave when an absolutely gorgeous brunette walks by. You turn to talk to her but she's already disappeared into the club. "She'll be back, dude," says Keegan. "That's the thing, anyway. I want to get at least two numbers tonight. I will not settle for mediocracy like half the guys in this town, half the people I grew up with, and of course, your favorite football team." >s Dance Floor Ah, the famed dance floor of Mick's Unwashed Outback Tavern! It is here where negotiations for the interest of several types of girls begin. The floor itself is actually set a few feet lower than the bar and the various tables and booths. It's not exactly a mosh pit; its intended effect instead is to display those with the fortitude and personal esteem to rock out to the rest of the frightened losers or sloshed denizens. If you're lucky (as you have been in the past) you put on a good enough show to get a kiss after a couple songs end. If you're like Keegan you thrash about as if in an intense epileptic seizure and usually come quite to blows with some random chud with a baseball cap just centimetres above his eyes. >dance You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >dance You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >g You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >g You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >g You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >x girl There are many girls here, most of which are dancing sexily to the DJ's music. They seem to be going back and forth between the tables and the dance floor. >kiss girl You attempt to kiss a random girl but she slips away before you can plant her. >talk to girl It's much too loud to really talk to any girls here! >invite girl to table That's not a verb I recognise. >e You go towards the bathroom and see about twenty guys standing in line waiting. You decide you can hold off a little longer and return. >w You can't go that way. Exits lead north, south or east. >s Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a redhead here. >x redhead She has red hair and dark, almost black eyes. She is wearing seamed stockings and four-inch heels. It looks like she is laughing at practically anything that is said to her. She's either wasted or easily amused. >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"Hey is that a keg in your pants? 'Cos I'd love to tap that ass!" (2) >"I'm Avandre; this is my friend Keegan. He just escaped from a mental hospital." (3) >"Can I tell you about what it's like to be a grave robber?" (4) >"Will you clear some area for me to throw down my flattened cardboard box? I'm gonna start break dancing." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 The chick laughs at that. "Really?" Looks like it's time for you to pump it up and take it to that higher level. "Yeah, he's fucking crazy. He used to live up north with the northerners. Then one day the tribe he was staying with killed a giant whale. Keegan just starts eating the blubber and nothing else. Pretty soon, you see, the whale is gone and he starts in on the Inuit like crazy. Yeah, they had him shipped to the Fort where he fits in with the normal array of crazies, whackjobs and general spazzes." "That's pretty big of you to take him out." "Yeah, the government cuts me a check each month to be his friend." She smiles at that, happy to engage in mindless, senseless banter. >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"Hey is that a keg in your pants? 'Cos I'd love to tap that ass!" (2) >"Will you clear some area for me to throw down my flattened cardboard box? I'm gonna start break dancing." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "You're going to breakdance? Here!?! Omigod! No, don't get your cardboard do it on the floor, okay? Pleeeeeease?" What the hell. You freeze-frame over to the disco floor and get down on the ground in order to do the dolphin. You kick it old school for a couple seconds until some clown cabbage- patches over you and falls. You quickly get the hell out of there and back to the chick. You find her laughing so hard that she is on the verge of tears." "Yeah, you know he's legit 'cos he's from the street," adds Keegan. "Omigod," she says. "That was so cool! Look, I've got to go hit another club, but you simply HAVE to call me sometime. Okay? My name is Sarah." She jots down her number and gives it to you. >i You are carrying nothing. >get number I don't know the word "number". >take all (Keegan) I don't suppose Keegan would care for that. >l Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. >l Some random table The tables of this place always remind you of some ancient midwest speakeasy where stoic mobsters discuss carpetbagging, debauchery and cement shoes. You seat yourself. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. >sit (on top of Keegan) That's not something you can enter. >score CHICKS DIG JERKS does not use a scoring system. >n Dance Floor >dance You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >g You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >g You grab a girl close to you and start to grind with her. >s Some random table Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a redhead here. >x redhead She has absolutely gorgeous auburn hair and dark, almost black eyes. She is wearing a cute pair of overalls and green undershirt. She gives momentarily gives you a look of complete disdain before scanning other areas of the tavern. >talk to readhead I don't know the word "readhead". >o redhead I only understood you as far as wanting to talk the redhead. >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"You done talking to all those ambiguously gay queefs? 'Cos I don't want to interrupt you if you're in a chud groove." (3) >"Hey, do you hold the career rushing record? Because you sure look like Sweetness." (4) >"Where are all the real sour bitches tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 The girl momentarily pauses before speaking. She wasn't ready for a comment like that. "Well, you know how it goes," she says. "A flaming reject here, a co-dependent psycho there... pretty soon you start to think there isn't anybody worth talking to. But then, sometimes someone cute like you comes around." >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"Hey, do you hold the career rushing record? Because you sure look like Sweetness." (3) >"Where are all the real sour bitches tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "Sweet? You must have me confused with some drippy slut. I chew guys up for breakfast." "Really?" you ask. "That's funny, because my friend Keegan here chews up marble for breakfast and shits out statues. Good ones, too, not missing their limbs and whatnot like all those cruddy ancient ones." You turn towards Keegan, hoping he'll pipe up with some wit but he's transfixed attempting to discern whether or not a couple chicks across the bar are simply extremely drunk or lesbians. A real Team Player. The girl looks about the bar for any other sentient to talk to. >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"You may not know it to look at me, but I'm wanted by the law. Are you wanted by anyone tonight?" (2) >"Where are all the real sour bitches tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 The chick rolls her eyes. "Talk to the hand." Keegan instantly lights up. "Is that because the face don't understand? Is that why? You've got the nerve to not only use a fucking tired and cheezed expression but to also give it with an extraordinary sense of disdain? Are you fucking KIDDING me? Fucking cuntrag." >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"Where are all the real sour bitches tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "You're talking to one, boy." You're briefly taken back by that. "Boy?" you state. "I'm not a boy -- I've got dreadlocks!" >talk to redhead You really have nothing to say right now. >n Dance Floor >s Some random table Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a blonde here. >x blonde She has blonde hair and brown eyes. She is wearing an outfit most hookers would blush at. She doesn't appear to really be enjoying herself, and seems a little distant. >talk to blonde Please select one: (1) >"Excuse me... do you like men?" (2) >"What's up, doll?" (3) >"Hi. I'm Avandre Varick. My employer donates three dollars to botcholism research for every girl I talk to. Would you put your name and number on this certification list?" (4) >"Hey there. You look great tonight. I had to talk to you." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 4 The girl breaks into a very small smile. She looks nervously about the room at your cheeziness. "Thanks." >talk to blonde You really have nothing to say right now. >n Dance Floor >s Some random table Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. You can also see a redhead here. >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"Can I buy you a drink?" (2) >"I just had to tell you this -- you're the best looking girl I've ever seen here." (3) >"Hey, haha, nice outfit. It's not often you see a chick with that kind of taste." (4) >"So. In what way are *you* mentally insane?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Hm. Well, you're cute. Sure." >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"I just had to tell you this -- you're the best looking girl I've ever seen here." (2) >"Hey, haha, nice outfit. It's not often you see a chick with that kind of taste." (3) >"So. In what way are *you* mentally insane?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 3 "Well, it's complicated, you see." The fact that she took absolutely no offense to that statement stuns you. You open your eyes when you realize a White Russian isn't going to be tossed at them. "*I* don't think I'm crazy but my ex-boyfriend does. I've had to call the cops on him several times just to keep him away. It's tough, I don't want him in my life but he keeps coming back so I try to do things to get him to leave me alone. *Sigh* Have you ever had a girl just not get the picture?" >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"I just had to tell you this -- you're the best looking girl I've ever seen here." (2) >"I have experienced that once, yes." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "Well, yeah, really. Just once though. I was a freshman at military school and started seeing this one girl that worked for food services. She would always tell me that the beef they served us was rated GRADE D: FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION and stuff like that. You wouldn't think there would be that many bizarre stories in simply dishing out spuds. Like from the second time we went out she started talking about a wedding and things like that. Really, really bizarre." "How did you get rid of her?" "We threw her in a blender and ate her." "Ugh!" she says with a giggle. "That's terrible!" "Yes. That's what we all decided as well. Chunks of desperate bride does not go well with bug juice." >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"I just had to tell you this -- you're the best looking girl I've ever seen here." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Really! Come on, I bet you say that to every girl you're trying to pick up." "No, no. I mean it. You really are. My friend here will vouch for me." Keegan doesn't miss a beat as you two have run through these lines before. "Yeah, he's been prattling on and on about you since we walked in. I think you should plant him a big old wet one right on the lips and make his night." He stares straight ahead the entire time, because he's checking out a couple girls which are all over each other in another corner of the bar. She locks in with eye contact. "Well, I would but I don't want you to think I'm easy or anything." "Easy? Pshaw, right?" >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"I wouldn't think you are easy. Yet." Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "I should probably not tell you this, then. I am easy." "Really," you state. You just want to see where this roller-coaster ride is headed. "Yes. Well, I don't mean all four bases and what not. Sometimes it's the only kind of escape I have. I have a baby, you see." >talk to redhead Please select one: (1) >"Really? What's its name?" (2) >"Wow, you're so young! How did it happen?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Her name is Kylie. Really, though, most guys usually say something like, "You're so young!" or "How did it happen?" Y'know, like I had personal tragedy befell me or something. "This has to be the first time I've known the child's name before the mom." "Oh! My name is Shasta. What's yours? "I'm Avandre. This is my friend Keegan." "Keegan? What kind of name is that?" Keegan pipes up. "My first name is Daniel... this crumholtz just calls me by my last name. Don't think that doesn't get old after a while." "Crumholtz?" asks Shasta. "He of the crooked wood." You decide to take control of the situation again. "Ok, tell me what it's like to raise a daughter in this town." Before she can reply, though, her pager goes off. "Argh, I have to go. Here -- " she jots down a number. "Give me a call sometime, ok?" "You bet." Shasta leaves the table. >i You are carrying nothing. >e Outside the Bathroom You are currently waiting outside the bathroom at Mick's. There only seems to be two or three chuds ahead of you at the present time. You've always wondered why they painted pictures of the Ameba on the inside of the stalls. There are definitely greater heroes to pick from when designing the indoor of a filthy bathroom. You would have thought that the Golden Avenger, for instance, would pull the effect off much better. Pang's not here, so he either finally got inside or is outside barfing on the patio. Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. A short, aggressive shitwank is before you in line. >stand in line I only understood you as far as wanting to stand. >call girl That's not a verb I recognise. >w You don't want to lose your spot in line. You notice that there are a couple guys ahead of you in line who seem to be regarding you with a fair amount of disdain. >z Time passes. The short guy comes up to you. He says, "You fucking looking at something, dick?" >guy, no Shayne_1 has better things to do. >laugh That's not a verb I recognise. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >x guy He is an incredibly short piece of dump that lives for beer, barfights and blondes. He has a wicked Napolean complex and nasty temperment. >pat guy on the head That's not a verb I recognise. >condescend to guy That's not a verb I recognise. >laugh at guy That's not a verb I recognise. >make fun of guy That's not a verb I recognise. >poke guy That's not a verb I recognise. >w You don't want to lose your spot in line. >e You don't want to lose your spot in line. >z Time passes. >l Outside the Bathroom Mmm, outside the bathroom! You can't wait for trough-style urination! Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. A short, aggressive shitwank is before you in line. >keegan, hello Keegan has better things to do. >keegan, sip beer There is no reply. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >l Outside the Bathroom Mmm, outside the bathroom! You can't wait for trough-style urination! Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. A short, aggressive shitwank is before you in line. >l Outside the Bathroom Mmm, outside the bathroom! You can't wait for trough-style urination! Keegan is by your side, sipping a beer. A short, aggressive shitwank is before you in line. >ignore guy That's not a verb I recognise. >push guy Pushing Shayne_1 doesn't seem to work. >push guy w Quit it. >shayne_1, go away You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can't see whom. >guy, go w Shayne_1 has better things to do. >i You are carrying nothing. >hit guy You come up on the guy with a flying elbow to his back. Instantly, the bar erupts into a mad fury of mostly drunken teenage violence. The dude you hammered recovers and attempts to viciously rip you apart. He screams obscenities so foul the bouncers start to blush crimson. [Please press SPACE to continue] You take off completely by yourself, leaving Keegan and Pang to make their own way home. You're consumed by the random spurts of aggressive violence in your life. You crash as soon as you enter your apartment and are overcome by a dream that refuses to let you go. You remember playing keyboard in your band, Nightlife. You had plenty of gigs long before you moved to the Fort and for this particular one you remember borrowing a strobe light and laser system. You finish your set and go get a towel -- there was a brunette you remember seeing at the club that you wanted to try to meet. After drying off, you went to go see the club owner in order to get paid. As you approached, you noticed that the very girl you had singled out was sitting across the bar staring you down. She looked ravishing, dangerous. She wore thick black mascara that, while making her come off as an incredibly cheap whore, did strangely look sexy against her dark skin. You tried to guess her ethnicity. Definitely south of here. Maybe off one of the islands? As you considered it, she finished her drink and licked her lips. It appeared as if the strobe light was somehow back on. She left her mouth wide open and beckoned you to join her. "Shit, sometimes it's just too easy." You almost feel sorry for her, as she is completely helpless against a sexy musician in your (at the time) short dreads. Then again, looking so fine it's often a struggle with yourself to just get out of the house without awarding yourself your very own virtual slurpee. She brought you to one of the back rooms by the hand. She opened the door and let you lead. There is almost no room to move about, as there are several amps, microphone stands and t-shirts scattered about in a random heap. Trying to keep cool you look about the room, as if she suddenly wasn't interesting or sexy anymore. While looking about you see the empty husks of the other three members of your band! They seem to have been nailed to the wall, where they hang like pinatas. Your friend Gabriel weakly moans to you, but it's completely incomprehensible. You remember the girl and turn to face her. As you do, she moves her hands up to your face (her nails are so long and so red!) and brings your face to hers (oh god, she smells so fucking good, like a fresh blast of wind and sex) and kisses you. The energy quickly begins to leave your body, escaping through your lips. You hear her ache in ecstacy; draining you is making her absolutely wild and reckless. After what seems like an hour you have no more warmth, no more heat and she throws you to the floor. She smiles sadistically before bringing out some thumb tacks and making you part of her collection. You wake up the next morning and manage to stumble out of your house and drive yourself to work. Break Room You're in the break room. Usually other grave robbers and thieves hang out here waiting for jobs to be phoned in. You've spent many a night here playing Pang in 'i45 Panzer Armada or Super Action Battle 64 on the game console. A few guys seem to be playing a linked version of a game you're somewhat unfamiliar with. You can see Criswell here, sacked out on the couch. You can see Pang here. >i You are carrying nothing. Pang shoots Criswell in the face with a grenade launcher. He yells, "Eat it, bitch!" >z Time passes. Criswell retaliates with a rapid layer of hot slag that slices through the air, killing Pang's character. "This ain't Championship Manager, McDickle. Ya gots t'pay *attention* out there!" >e Wait up a sec, Keegan is supposed to meet you here before tonight's job. Criswell gets up for a moment and goes to the refrigerator. He picks up a jug and sniffs it. "Hey, is this orange juice?" Everyone replies, "Yeah." Criswell wrinkles his nose and is visably irritated. "Look, is it orange juice or just a really big screwdriver?" Everyone replies, "Screwdriver." >z Time passes. The video game crashes. Pang slams his fist down on the console. "Dammit! This fucking thing has more bugs than a tropical swamp!" Keegan enters and gives you a nod. "Just a sec and I'll be ready to go," he says. >z Time passes. Criswell appears visably annoyed. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, you fat piece of trash? Keep hitting the system like I hit your mom last night and I'll bust a cap through your ass." >z Time passes. Pang loads the disc up again. "Remind me to shiver," he says to Criswell. >z Time passes. "And another thing," says Criswell. "You play like an absolute girl. A little, freaking *girl*. You hop around like you're having a seizure and do more camping than a Winnebago. He looks towards you. "I don't know how you manage to watch this shit, Van Queef. He makes me sick but my attention is usually paid whipping his sorry ass. If I were in your position I'd have barfed up both lungs and a kidney by now." >z Time passes. Pang retorts. "If I had as much free time as you I would no doubt be the superior opponent. But your stoner ass has been doing nothing but play vapid warez like this since Kaitlan left you. I mean, Christ, you were tripping on horse tranquilizer last time I saw you." "Hey!!" interjects Criswell. "I gave all that stuff to Keegan!" >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >e Wait up a sec, Keegan is supposed to meet you here before tonight's job. >x keegan He is a shifty little heartbreaker, effortless in his style and grace. He is wearing a pair of oversized dungarees, a red baseball cap and a black polyester jersey. >n Wait up a sec, Keegan is supposed to meet you here before tonight's job. >w Wait up a sec, Keegan is supposed to meet you here before tonight's job. >s Wait up a sec, Keegan is supposed to meet you here before tonight's job. >u Wait up a sec, Keegan is supposed to meet you here before tonight's job. >d Wait up a sec, Keegan is supposed to meet you here before tonight's job. >ne Wait up a sec, Keegan is supposed to meet you here before tonight's job. >in Wait up a sec, Keegan is supposed to meet you here before tonight's job. >out But you aren't in anything at the moment. >I'm in this game, aren't I? You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can't see whom. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >play game That's not a verb I recognise. >l Break Room You're in the break room. Usually other grave robbers and thieves hang out here waiting for jobs to be phoned in. You've spent many a night here playing Pang in 'i45 Panzer Armada or Super Action Battle 64 on the game console. A few guys seem to be playing a linked version of a game you're somewhat unfamiliar with. Keegan is here, getting ready to leave for tonight's job. You can see Criswell here, sacked out on the couch. You can see Pang here. >x console I don't know the word "console". >i You are carrying nothing. >call girls That's not a verb I recognise. > I beg your pardon? >sit down I didn't understand that sentence. >stand up But you aren't in anything at the moment. >take a chill pill I don't know the word "chill". >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >score CHICKS DIG JERKS does not use a scoring system. >right, you said that earlier. sorry You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can't see whom. >keegan, get ready There is no reply. >keegan, n Keegan has better things to do. >keegan, work There is no reply. >l Break Room You're in the break room. Usually other grave robbers and thieves hang out here waiting for jobs to be phoned in. You've spent many a night here playing Pang in 'i45 Panzer Armada or Super Action Battle 64 on the game console. A few guys seem to be playing a linked version of a game you're somewhat unfamiliar with. Keegan is here, getting ready to leave for tonight's job. You can see Criswell here, sacked out on the couch. You can see Pang here. >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"You ready to go?" (2) >"What's the plan for tonight?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> \2 Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 2 "Yeah, I just got voice-mail on what's going down tonight. A dead geezer by the name of Stella DeBartelo was buried the other night at the St. Peter Memorial. Apparently she was buried in a fur coat along with some other valuables like gems and such. Details on exactly what she had on her was kinda sketchy. Anyway, The Pete is pretty easy to get into so the worst part should be the drive itself." >talk to keegan Please select one: (1) >"You ready to go?" Select a choice or 0 to keep quiet. >> 1 "Yeah, let's get the hell out of here. It's about a two-hour drive. I'll drive." You follow Keegan out and get into his chevette. Inside the Chevette You are inside Keegan's '86 Chevette. You've ribbed him about the car many, many times and it never gets old. In fact, you pride yourself in thinking of new ways to express, in quite biting sarcasm, "Keegan, your car sucks." There is approximately eight pounds of loose garbage strewn about the interior, the lord of which seems to be Keegan's tobacco spitter neatly residing in the cup holder. The windows are blackened from a failed tint job which is now quite severely peeling. The backseat is dominated by months-old newspapers, half-chewed altoids, the occasional used condom and a mysterious clear vial containing an unknown fluid. The car's floor is mostly rusted out providing for a "Flintstones" effect that never, ever, stops being funny. Your shovel is buried underneath a ton of crap in Keegan's backseat. >get shovel Ah! It feels good to once again have your shovel in your possession. >kill keegan with shovel I only understood you as far as wanting to kill Keegan. >kill keegan Violence isn't the answer to this one. >oh, bother You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can't see whom. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. You hear an annoying slurping noise as Keegan sucks away the last of his cola. >z Time passes. Keegan finishes off his can of pop and chucks it out the window. "Hey!" you exclaim. "That can be fucking recycled!" Keegan shrugs. "It still can be." >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. Keegan takes the car off the highway. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. Keegan takes a right onto a gravely road. "Okay," he says. "Almost there." >z Time passes. Keegan stops the car and turns off the engine. He turns to you. "Time to take care of biz-ness." >open door I don't know the word "door". >get out Outside the Graveyard Keegan parked the car just where the gravel road ends and dirt road starts. The beginnings of a copse that eventually leads to the graveyard is north while overgrowth and tumbleweed surround you on all other sides. You can see Keegan. >dig (the silvery shovel) Digging would achieve nothing here. >n Dark Copse You are just within a dark copse. Keegan's car leads to the south. To the north is an iron gate. You can see Keegan. >n Before the Iron Gate A formidable iron gate lays ahead to the north. It continues in both a western and eastern direction. A dark copse leads about thirty yards to the south. You can see Keegan. >n The fence prevents passage in that direction. Exits lead north, south, east, west, northeast or northwest. >climb gate I don't think much is to be achieved by that. >nw West of the Graveyard Thick, fanged fencing surrounds the cemetery to the north. >n The fence prevents you from going in that direction. >w Heavy growth prevents further travel in that direction. Exits lead east. >e Before the Iron Gate You can see Keegan. >ne East of the Graveyard Thick, fanged fencing surrounds the cemetery to the north. You can see Keegan. You can see a motionless cemetery guard here, slumped against the fence. >hit guard Upon messing with the guard, he falls apart in several different sliced pieces! Scraps of his head seperate, squirting blood everywhere. His midsection undoes like finely sliced salami. You are able to determine that he was in his late forties, about six-foot tall and approximately two-hundred thirty pounds. You see that he was carrying a stray piece of lumber with him. Upon examination, it appears as if he had fired all the shots in his weapon. >n The fence prevents you from going in that direction. >w Before the Iron Gate >open gate You must tell me how to do that to a fence. >e East of the Graveyard You can see Keegan. Chunks of a cemetery guard lie scattered about the eastern fence. You can also see a piece of lumber and a glock here. >search guard You find nothing of interest. >get lumbar I don't know the word "lumbar". >get lumber Keegan pipes up with a comment. "Hey, see if you can find anything worthwhile in my car, willya? I may have a plan for getting over that fence." >get glock Taken. >x it Looks like the kind of glock you used to see everyday while growing up. >w Before the Iron Gate >s Dark Copse >s Outside the Graveyard >search car You find nothing of interest. >in Inside the Chevette You notice that Keegan's backseat can probably be removed. >search car The Car is empty. >remove back seat I don't know the word "back". >remove backseat (first taking the backseat of Keegan's car) You rip out the backseat of his car and carry it with you. Doing so reveals a single functional spring. >get spring Taken. >out Outside the Graveyard >n Dark Copse >n Before the Iron Gate You can see Keegan. >give spring to keegan Keegan doesn't seem interested. >unlock gate What do you want to unlock the fence with? >spring That doesn't seem to be something you can unlock. >x gate It is a spiked, fanged fence about fifteen feet high. >x lock You can't see any such thing. >climb it I don't think much is to be achieved by that. >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >s Dark Copse >s Outside the Graveyard >n Dark Copse >n Before the Iron Gate You can see Keegan. >e East of the Graveyard You can see Keegan. Chunks of a cemetery guard lie scattered about the eastern fence. >i You are carrying: a spring the backseat of Keegan's car a glock a piece of lumber a silvery shovel >w Before the Iron Gate >kill keegan You can't see any such thing. >w West of the Graveyard >e Before the Iron Gate >e East of the Graveyard You can see Keegan. Chunks of a cemetery guard lie scattered about the eastern fence. >kill keegan Violence isn't the answer to this one. >ask keegan about gate There is no reply. >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >w Before the Iron Gate >w West of the Graveyard >w Heavy growth prevents further travel in that direction. Exits lead east. >e Before the Iron Gate >n The fence prevents passage in that direction. Exits lead north, south, east, west, northeast or northwest. >n The fence prevents passage in that direction. Exits lead north, south, east, west, northeast or northwest. >e East of the Graveyard You can see Keegan. Chunks of a cemetery guard lie scattered about the eastern fence. >x guard Let the dead rest in pieces. >search guard You find nothing of interest. >w Before the Iron Gate >x fence It is a spiked, fanged fence about fifteen feet high. >x gate It is a spiked, fanged fence about fifteen feet high. >hm That's not a verb I recognise. >i You are carrying: a spring the backseat of Keegan's car a glock a piece of lumber a silvery shovel >x spring It's a spring from Keegan's backseat. >x glock Looks like the kind of glock you used to see everyday while growing up. >x seat This is the backseat to Keegan's Chevette. You presume he wasn't kidding when he said he's had enough sex back there to ruin it. It looks like it might come right out. >drop seat Dropped. >x lumber This seems to be a rather sturdy two-by-four section of wood. >vault over fence You can't see any such thing. >x fence It is a spiked, fanged fence about fifteen feet high. >drop spring Dropped. >put lumber on spring You put the piece of lumber on the spring. >(thank you walkthrough) That's not a verb I recognise. >jump on lumber You walk back a few paces and prepare to vault over the fence using the board and the spring. You come running like a madman at it and jump at the end of the lumber as if it were a diving board. As you fly through the air, you realize that you are headed straight for the thick fangs of the fence! You vainly try to throw your arms out to act as a type of shield but fail badly and are impaled upon the fence. You lay there, wheezing, trying desperately to communicate your last thoughts to Keegan. He tries to understand what you're saying. The last thing you remember before dying is someone chortling, the smell of smoke and a bright white flash. *** End of session. *** Thank you for playing CHICKS DIG JERKS. Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game or QUIT? > undo Before the Iron Gate [Previous turn undone.] >get seat You take the backseat to Keegan's car. >jump on lumber You take a running start and proceed to vault off the board, hoping to make it over the fence. You manage to get pretty solid height when you realize you're about to come down straight on the fence's fanged stiletos! Luckily, you avoid getting your chest impaled by using Keegan's backseat as a sort of shield. You stick it out in front of you and it catches the fangs. You fall over the fence onto the other side. Cemetery You are within the St. Peter Memorial Cemetery. It is has turned out to be a filthy, dank night. Rain has left the tombstones rather slick and the ground a muddy mess. >x gate It is a spiked, fanged fence about fifteen feet high. Keegan performs the same manuever you did, and jumps over the fence. "I guess there was a little bounce still left in that one spring, huh Van?" >talk to keegan You really have nothing to say right now. >n Religious Clearing This is a section of the graveyard free from markers and crosses. Instead, a large circle has been formed through lifeless, water-starved brown grass. Keegan is here. >dig What do you want to dig? >ground I don't know the word "ground". >dig grave I don't know the word "grave". >n The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead south, east, west or southeast. >e Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. Keegan is here. >e The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead south, west or southwest. The shitwank looks up from the grave he was digging up and draws his weapon. "Do not fucking move! Not so much as a single inch, or I will fucking kill you? Do you understand me? I will fucking disintegrate both of your sorry asses!" >x shitwank You can't see any such thing. >z Time passes. The shitwank attempts to fire his weapon at you. However, as it appears obvious that he is about to pull the trigger you are violently pushed onto the ground by Keegan. As the energy and flash consume him, you hear a shriek which is suddenly and cruelly cut off. You try to comprehend what just happened and face Keegan's killer. "You are going to fucking die! Do you understand me? I will fucking bury you, here and now!" >kill man You can't see any such thing. >kill killer I don't know the word "killer". >get all glock: You already have that. silvery shovel: You already have that. >w Religious Clearing >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >e Cemetery >e The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead south, west or southwest. >d The fence prevents movement in that direction. Exits lead south, west or southwest. >x man You can't see any such thing. >x all You see nothing special about the nothing. >l Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. >s Outside the Shed Before you is a small potter's shed. It's made of a dank, grayish brick and stinks to high heaven. Mud and filth climb the walls and reach a single, centered window obscured by cobwebs. >x shed This is a kind of run-down wooden shack, almost nauseating in its rotted stench. You suddenly hear a loud crash and a hollow, raspy scream! Something is emerging from the shed! >x something I don't know the word "something". >l Outside the Shed Before you is a small potter's shed. It's made of a dank, grayish brick and stinks to high heaven. Mud and filth climb the walls and reach a single, centered window obscured by cobwebs. You can see a ghastly abomination here. The abomination wails a ghastly cry toward the moon. It spies you and begins to shamble toward you. >x abomination It is a rancid spawn of hell, with rotting, scabby flesh that hangs off it in loose strands. It bleeds profusely with any sort of strenuous movement and cries continually due to its constant pain. It is strangely muscled and has sharp, blue bugeyes. There is a strong odor of smoke and then a white flash. Instantly, the abomination and shed are vaporized into a black mist. >n Cemetery >l Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. >w Religious Clearing >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >e Cemetery >l Cemetery You are within a section of the graveyard downhill from where you arrived. Small, white crosses form rows of rememberance. >x all You see nothing special about the nothing. >x shitwank You can't see any such thing. >s Outside the Shed >w Cemetery >w Religious Clearing >w You attempt to travel toward the sculpture when, without warning, a flash of white light whizzes by you! You turn and discern that someone is firing a weapon at you from the east! >e Cemetery >quit Are you sure you want to quit? y