The prints that these tapes were made from are in very poor condition, and therefore have lots of problems with them (i.e. missing frames, sound dropouts, jumps where the sprocket holes are torn, faded colors, &c). For that reason, the summaries were lifted word-for-word straight out of TV Guide, since it was possible that we missed something crucial to the plot.
Anyway, here's the list.
When Danno gets lost while driving around the island, McGarrett (Jack Lord) and Chin Ho go looking for him... with disastrous results. Bankteller: Julie Newmar.
Hunted: When Kono (Zulu) is framed for murder, the rest of the Five-O team come down on him hard, and he goes underground as a fugitive. McGarrett: Jack Lord. Danny: James MacArthur.
Having the ability to park in the most illegal spot has always been a job perk for the Five-O team, until now. Everyone begins to find parking tickets on their windshields. McGarrett ignores them until the city threatens to haul them all to jail for having tons of unpaid parking tickets. The Five-O team must discover who is playing angry meter maid before McGarrett is forced to arrest himself. Lovely Rita: Linda Hunt.
McGarrett (Jack Lord) brings his car in for repairs, and discovers that there's more to his garage than at first he thought. Jake The Mechanic Guy Hunk: Richard Simmons.
A kidnapping takes a bizarre twist when the kidnapper turns out to be the kid (Susan Olsen) who was napped, and the father (Merlin Olsen) is nowhere to be found!
After hitting his head in a nasty fall, McGarrett believes he is Elvis and finally puts his guitar to good use. The rest of the Five-O team (except for Danno) try desperately to track him down before he does too much damage to his reputation. Meanwhile, Danno is enjoying being `The Big Kahuna' and redecorates McGarrett's office in powder blue.
Someone has been stealing Five-O's suits! McGarrett and the rest of the team discover that all of their suits have been stolen except for the dark blue ones. This causes a lot of confusion for the team since they no longer can tell one another apart. Everyone is forced to wear loud Hawaiian shirts until the criminal can be caught, or they get a new tailor.
During an investigation, McGarrett injures his wrist from too much snapping, impairing his ability to think. Reluctantly, he undergoes therapy in order to repair the damage and has to deal with the fact that this condition may be permanent. Nurse Carmello: Bridgette Bardot.
A heavy metal rock band named Honi comes to Hawaii only to find out that their popularity isn't universal when the band receives death threats. McGarrett scrambles to find out who is sending the notes from a list of possible suspects which include the band's manager, ex-wives, girlfriends, groupies, fans, a group of Senators' wives, and a young boy who seems to know a lot more than he is telling. Don the Manager: Don King. Don the Lead Singer: Don Ho. Young Boy: Scott Bakula.
A wealthy industrialist named Mr. Greene is murdered in his ballroom with a pipe: Chin Ho Kelly's pipe! The Five-O team must discover who the real killer is in order to clear Chin and recover his pipe. Miss Carmine: Phyllis Diller. Professor Lavender: Leslie Nielsen.
- Danny: ``So did you find the smoking gun that killed Mr. Greene?´´ -- Officer: ``Not exactly...´´
- Kono: ``Pipe, pipe, who's got the pipe?´´
After Chris Vashon's illegitimate son learns of his roots during an elementary school ``family tree´´ project, he vows to finally get the long-sought-after revenge upon McGarrett. Meanwhile, the Five-O team remains baffled about the eggings on the Iolani Palace and the crank calls to McGarrett's office. Little Johnny Vashon: Ricky Schroeder.
- Anonymous caller: ``I'm looking for a Jacques Strap.´´ -- McGarrett: ``Jacques Strap? We don't have a Jacques Strap. Hey, wait a minute...´´
Mr. Pennypincher, an ordinary accountant, goes on a shooting rampage at a lawyers convention, killing seven lawyers. While McGarrett is not particularly upset over this, it is the third such incident of bizarre and violent behavior. The only link between the cases seems to be a new fad diet. McGarrett and Chin Ho go undercover as an aerobics instructor and a client, respectively, at a local health club to ferret out the truth. They soon discover an old enemy has returned to conduct mind control experiments on unsuspecting victims. Wo Fat: Khigh Dhiegh. Candice Cain: Pamela Anderson. Towel Boy: Gilbert Gottfried
- Chin Ho: ``My corns are really killing me, Boss.´´ -- McGarrett: ``Just two more and we can stop exercising. Just kidding, we've got another hour to go, you see - I don't make deals.´´
Five-O gets wind of a counterfeit ring -- a ring that's producing counterfeit change! McGarrett is puzzled as to what the source of the copper is until he notices that many HPD officers are starting to disappear...
- McGarrett: ``Buddy, can you spare a dime?´´
- Danno: ``It's the only explanation that makes cents.´´ -- McGarrett: ``I can't believe you said that, Danno.´´
Just when he thought it was safe to go back into the office, McGarrett receives some startling news: The Vashons are back for vengence and this time they've enlisted the aid of master spy Wo Fat! Bombs, femme fatales, and whoopee cushions are just a few of the devices used to send McGarrett on a permanent vacation. Can McGarrett and his office survive a collaboration between two of his worst enemies? Bozo the Clown: Himself. Alexis Carrington: Joan Collins.
- McGarrett (holding a cigar): ``This won't explode, will it?´´
- Chin: Say boss, what's that big red thing painted on your back?
Don't forget the 13th season episode ``Dear Enema´´ where Steve and Danno investigate unscrupulous practices at a colonic therapy clinic. Guest star is Orson Welles as Dr. Colin Procto!! ";-) At one point McGarrett refers to Procto as ``the perpetrator of heinous crimes´´!!
After nine years, former Soviet Colonel, now General Mischa Toptegan is still furious because during his last visit to Hawaii (see The Ninety-Second War), McGarrett brought him tea in a cup rather than a glass during a farewell party. Toptegan orders a strike with a special limited-power ICBM which will reduce the Iolani Palace to ``the world's smallest parking lot.´´ This greatly upsets Wo Fat who is on the loose (check the rarely-seen lost 12th season finale, ``Go, Fat, Go!´´), because Wo wants to have the pleasure of eliminating McGarrett himself. Wo and his henchmen make plans to remove McGarrett from his office where he has been working non-stop for 3 weeks. Ghost of Chin Ho Kelly: Sir Alec Guinness.
Leslie Nielsen stars as Carmella Faraday, a transvestite interior decorator who is miffed when (s)he doesn't get the contract to redo the Hawaii Five-O office. (S)he decides to ``take the law into her own hands,´´ tying up the entire Five-O team with drapery cord.
McGarrett (Jack Lord) must figure out the location of a giant magnet which has attracted locals´ and tourists´ keys, locking thousands out of their cars and homes. Includes McGarrett's famous line, ``I always knew you had a magnetic personality, Chin.´´ Sakai the Locksmith: Seth Sakai. Cave Girl: Josie Over.
McGarrett (Jack Lord) and Colonel Sanders (Buddy Ebsen) team up to catch a gang of youths who refuse to pay for their mashed potatoes in KFCs across Oahu. Big Chicken: Gavin McLeod. Store Manager: John Stalker. Man at Drive-Thru: Leslie Nielsen.
Honore Vashon breaks out of the O´ahu looney bin and flees to the Pacific Northwest in search of distant relatives whose aid he seeks in a final vendetta against McGarrett. Great-grandpa Vashon: Cliff Arquette.
When McGarrett pursues Honore Vashon to the old crook's island stronghold in Puget Sound, he is abducted. Puzzled by his captors´ habit of referring to him as ``le grand fromage,´´ McGarrett struggles to learn French. Special guest appearance by Julia Child.
McGarrett eludes his captors and attempts to bring Honore Vashon to justice. His efforts are hampered by Vashon´s nephews, Larry, Moe, and Curly. Larry Vashon: Kenny G. (in a hitherto unrecorded child performance). Moe Vashon: Jay Leno. Curly Vashon: Patrick Stewart.
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